His deepest fear was not of death by accident or suicide, his deepest fear was that he doesn't find certainity in his own death by his own hands. His deepest fear was that after lots of faltering and hesitation, he finds the pulse, feels the lively movement of the vein under his fingertips and in a split-second he slashes the flesh with the blade. Blood flowing. Seems like the end, eh? But the deepest fear is ahead when he finds out he has so much to do, so many places to go, so many unfinished things. Then he doesn't want to die, but he is half dead already. Blood pressure decreased. He feels so dizzy to ask for help and survive. The moment of the deepest fear has come. Total failure in life, total failure in death. Wanted death in life, wanted life in death.
Total failure was his deepest fear.